Archive for December, 2011


The best gift I can give anyone here is a break from the guilt. This is a new rendition of an older blog post I wrote. Please be polite in your comments, not only to me but to anyone who posts comments. Remember,  none of us are perfect. 

FEELING GUILTY & RESENTING YOUR SPECIAL NEEDS CHILD.

We tend to operate in a way that is socially acceptable. Who the hell wrote these rules?  When your a parent, feeling guilty is par for the coarse.  When your child has special needs, beating yourself up becomes religious.  I’ve read other parents blogs and posts…the things unsaid are in all bold caps….right between the lines. We all have guilt, we are all scared, and there is things we are dying to ask each other or to talk about…BUT they are so taboo…we wouldn’t dare. We instead feel like we are lower than dirt, a bad parent.  So Im declaring this GUILT FREE ZONE! Im going to confess all my “bad” my shameful thoughts…and the feelings that drive my chronic depression and frequent self loathing.  I hope to exercise my demons…and let you all know…your not alone…AND these reactions ARE NORMAL.

1. Sometimes I resent my special needs kids.  This does not mean I don’t love them, Id die for or kill for them…no doubt. I do grieve for the child I was “supposed to have”.  This IS normal.  Heck sometimes in the heat of the moment, I LOATH being their mom…again NORMAL

2.  I get jealous of other parents with “normal” kids and find any reason to dislike them, sometimes. 3. Im lonely a lot. I get desperate sometimes, and over excited when getting a shot to be social…so I ignore social cues…and tend to “OVER SHARE” I then self hate and waller in embarassment over my own “bad behavior”.

4. I’ve had embarrassing and public meltdowns myself. Let’s face it, over tired, over stressed..and one incident away from a nervous breakdown..it happens.

5. I use sarcasm on purpose because my autistic kids reaction is funny.

6.I let my kid melt down, and Ive provoked it so I could leave an unpleasant wait or place.

7. I blamed my child’s autism to get him out of trouble..when I knew good & well he was just being a brat.

8. Me & my spouse both cheated on each other before, because we missed the intimacy. 

9. I didnt turn in an IEP plan to the school from our autisim specialist that would have made my child’s life easier at school.  I did it because when he’s grown, no one will hand him an easy life, and I can’t accept he is unable to write. I let him fail. More self loathing.

10. I find it hard to NOT hit my child when he is physically hurting me or my other kids. (I haven’t ever abused him ) I see how easy it could be to cross that line. My husband And I keep each other in check.  *Now this  is one that many of us has been to.  Its important I make a point. I was terrified to tell ANYONE outside my home, or even admit to myself that I had been to the point, been driven to a rage over a situation I could not control…that yes..I believe I could have abused my own child.  I finally built the courage to tell my child’s doctor..that I was overwhelmed , and that sometimes I was afraid of being abusive. I was terrified that I was going to jail and my kids to a home just for admitting that I felt like I was capable. But I needed help because…I would die if I EVER hurt my own kid. The doctor said “ITS NORMAL” adjusted my kids Meds and gave me resources and info to care for my own mental health.  ***here is the point…its OK TO GET HELP FOR YOUR OWN MENTAL HEALTH. GET HELP BEFORE YOU ABUSE YOUR KID….Praise G-D he gave me strength & courage to ask for help. 

Many of the taboo issues, those things you just wish you could reach out and ask about, the feelings you think you can’t talk about…take a lesson from our autistic kids….when they said or did something inappropriate or socially taboo….did those awful looks or nasty comments they got really affect them? Why hell no! Screw what others think and make this your autistic reasoning our mantra…

GUILT IS AN UNNATURAL AND LEARNED EMOTION…IT IS USELESS. (Just mind you keep empathy & a moral compass)

Posted from the Lunatic Fringe

Posted from the Lunatic Fringe

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Twas the week before Christmas
And all thru the house
Autism was screaming,
And destroying my house.

The stockings were hung,
By..ARE U KIDDING ME!
her hair
And being tied firmly to uh chair

The children were twisted and possesd I believe…
Oh why is he laughing…?
I need to go see….

When out on the lawn, there rose a clatter ….
Oh dear! AHHH What’s the matter?

I rushed to the window
And…DAMMIT SON!
What should appear??

An angry neighbor
And the prank of the year!
(Faaaaaaaaawkkkkkk)

My Bright Aspie child, planned it with care,
NO MORE CYOTE CARTOONS!
I MEAN IT! I SWEAR!

There stood my neighbor
Trying to be nice-BUT
I knew in a moment-this dude is PISSED!

He stood at my door
And called out some names!
(On that,  sir, they were ALL profane!)

Just that quick, it really got worse,
For on the roof, I heard the tap of 6 little feet…

Oh a hideous tide of giggles abound
And before the man could turn around…

MOTHER OF GOD!!!

My voice had rose to a hideous sqweek
“PLEASE DON’T SUE ME” I plead
As he continued to seeth…..

Thank God his wife had just appeared
To say “their just kids…let them be”

With a knowing smile and a wink…
She lead dude away,…
Im wondering and thinking now…
I should buy some pepper spray!
-EDD

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Yes…how? How do yo get them to bathe, and more importantly…why wont they? Please somebody say they aren’t attached to their odor??? Seriously son…you smell like an ass factory in July! Take a FUCKING SHOWER! Here is a reality… Im not the only one…autistic kids..the majority…do not like to shower.  In my house, getting Loud to shower and brush his teeth requires a meltdown…me begging…ultimately ends up in a full restraints and him showering anyways.  It seems like the sensory issues would kick in as soon as he smelled like rotting ass….and bother him. But Loud don’t seem to mind stewing in his funk.  I can’t wait till summer….I will turn the hose on his stinky butt!

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Ok granted not many read my blog…but if you read this PLEASE COMMENT! I just heard of a theater in Ohio that is holding “Autism night” to allow autistic kids and their families to see the new chipmunks movie! WHAT AN IDEA!!! so Im inspired.  Does your hometown have events or programs? What are your idea? Im ready to go pick a fight with our theater lol….I want this in Georgia!

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Its that time of year again! Shopping,decorations and visitors! Oh and of coarse…turning the world upside down for your autistic child!  Its hard to remember how hard it is for our special kids.  Even if you wanted to go extreme ….avoid the changes, or if you dont celebrate..its still hard in them.  They are ready to spin, bite and scream in the blink of an eye.  Why?  Parental stress, changes to environment and extra commotion.   I have a friend who is Jewish….her autistic child freaks out this time of year too.  They notice the neighborhood lights, extra traffic and all.  Loud enjoys all the lights, and asks to go see them.  It still plays havoc on his nerves.  So we know why? But what to do?  Keep in mind Im a parent, not an expert.  (So my advice is actually practical..lol) low pressure environment is key.  The child’s room, a spare room- any space you can give up for a while.  It should be a holiday free zone.  If you can afford it, some kids really like the fluffy throw rugs.  Have them participate in traditions like tree decoration and cooking.  If you don’t stress, they won’t stress. 

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Wow I tried really hard to blog every day. Guess my vision of being a famous blogger is not gonna happen lil.   Its been interesting to say the least. Being the caretaker now that my work hours are reduced.  Loud, who has been put to bed at 9 -9:30pm for years…apparently needs a 6 pm bedtime.  He actually enjoys the early bedtime, and is easy to work with in the morning. Dali’s bedtime was pushed up to 7pm.  Moody’s bedtime remains the same.  Well I’ve been letting Moody babysit Dali but not Loud.  She begged for the paying gig for over a year now, but state laws have age restrictions.  Now that she’s 12 she can lawfully babysit.  Good news…she’s the best sitter Dali’s ever had! Not intimidated by the seizures and a first aid whiz!  Bad news….Loud’s sitter was a relative.  A little tit for tat dispute and….no sitter….oh well…just grab up the yellow pages and look up sitters…under sub category for willing to babysit autistic child for regular Wage (ok ok ….its all I can afford!) ….and then I woke up from THAT dream and done what any sane patent would a done….I flipped the heck out!  OMG!! OMG OMG!!!! One of us is going to have to quit working! Well what happened is this; I offered Moody a raise and Boom  set our bedroom up like a apartment.  Loud camped out there, and largely ignored Moody and Dali.  They had strict instructions to leave him alone. Moody did it in fine style!  It helps alot to be in the south.  The neighbors on each side and in front of us,  offered to jump in and help Moody at a moments notice.  Two of the families have stay at home parents who are always home.  So Moody has a lot of support and I can be home in 25 min now that Im working closer to home.  Life is getting better!

Posted from the Lunatic Fringe