Category: Autistic Children


The best gift I can give anyone here is a break from the guilt. This is a new rendition of an older blog post I wrote. Please be polite in your comments, not only to me but to anyone who posts comments. Remember,  none of us are perfect. 

FEELING GUILTY & RESENTING YOUR SPECIAL NEEDS CHILD.

We tend to operate in a way that is socially acceptable. Who the hell wrote these rules?  When your a parent, feeling guilty is par for the coarse.  When your child has special needs, beating yourself up becomes religious.  I’ve read other parents blogs and posts…the things unsaid are in all bold caps….right between the lines. We all have guilt, we are all scared, and there is things we are dying to ask each other or to talk about…BUT they are so taboo…we wouldn’t dare. We instead feel like we are lower than dirt, a bad parent.  So Im declaring this GUILT FREE ZONE! Im going to confess all my “bad” my shameful thoughts…and the feelings that drive my chronic depression and frequent self loathing.  I hope to exercise my demons…and let you all know…your not alone…AND these reactions ARE NORMAL.

1. Sometimes I resent my special needs kids.  This does not mean I don’t love them, Id die for or kill for them…no doubt. I do grieve for the child I was “supposed to have”.  This IS normal.  Heck sometimes in the heat of the moment, I LOATH being their mom…again NORMAL

2.  I get jealous of other parents with “normal” kids and find any reason to dislike them, sometimes. 3. Im lonely a lot. I get desperate sometimes, and over excited when getting a shot to be social…so I ignore social cues…and tend to “OVER SHARE” I then self hate and waller in embarassment over my own “bad behavior”.

4. I’ve had embarrassing and public meltdowns myself. Let’s face it, over tired, over stressed..and one incident away from a nervous breakdown..it happens.

5. I use sarcasm on purpose because my autistic kids reaction is funny.

6.I let my kid melt down, and Ive provoked it so I could leave an unpleasant wait or place.

7. I blamed my child’s autism to get him out of trouble..when I knew good & well he was just being a brat.

8. Me & my spouse both cheated on each other before, because we missed the intimacy. 

9. I didnt turn in an IEP plan to the school from our autisim specialist that would have made my child’s life easier at school.  I did it because when he’s grown, no one will hand him an easy life, and I can’t accept he is unable to write. I let him fail. More self loathing.

10. I find it hard to NOT hit my child when he is physically hurting me or my other kids. (I haven’t ever abused him ) I see how easy it could be to cross that line. My husband And I keep each other in check.  *Now this  is one that many of us has been to.  Its important I make a point. I was terrified to tell ANYONE outside my home, or even admit to myself that I had been to the point, been driven to a rage over a situation I could not control…that yes..I believe I could have abused my own child.  I finally built the courage to tell my child’s doctor..that I was overwhelmed , and that sometimes I was afraid of being abusive. I was terrified that I was going to jail and my kids to a home just for admitting that I felt like I was capable. But I needed help because…I would die if I EVER hurt my own kid. The doctor said “ITS NORMAL” adjusted my kids Meds and gave me resources and info to care for my own mental health.  ***here is the point…its OK TO GET HELP FOR YOUR OWN MENTAL HEALTH. GET HELP BEFORE YOU ABUSE YOUR KID….Praise G-D he gave me strength & courage to ask for help. 

Many of the taboo issues, those things you just wish you could reach out and ask about, the feelings you think you can’t talk about…take a lesson from our autistic kids….when they said or did something inappropriate or socially taboo….did those awful looks or nasty comments they got really affect them? Why hell no! Screw what others think and make this your autistic reasoning our mantra…

GUILT IS AN UNNATURAL AND LEARNED EMOTION…IT IS USELESS. (Just mind you keep empathy & a moral compass)

Posted from the Lunatic Fringe

Posted from the Lunatic Fringe

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Yes…how? How do yo get them to bathe, and more importantly…why wont they? Please somebody say they aren’t attached to their odor??? Seriously son…you smell like an ass factory in July! Take a FUCKING SHOWER! Here is a reality… Im not the only one…autistic kids..the majority…do not like to shower.  In my house, getting Loud to shower and brush his teeth requires a meltdown…me begging…ultimately ends up in a full restraints and him showering anyways.  It seems like the sensory issues would kick in as soon as he smelled like rotting ass….and bother him. But Loud don’t seem to mind stewing in his funk.  I can’t wait till summer….I will turn the hose on his stinky butt!

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Im 31 years old. What we used to call parenting….is now called child abuse.  My poor little Dali, finally reported that little bitch Gecko! (Hell yes Im gonna change this BRATs name to Gecko!) Poor Dali is in grade 3, and a tender 8 year old. Ok..she’s also a whining, tattle tale , annoying brat.  I really love her. The other side of her is a beautiful little angel who no matter how mean somebody is to her, loves them with every breath in her little body.  Before her seizures got under control, she had partial seizures that caused her to wander off, bark (yes I said BARK) and piss her pants….and these little fuckers have NEVER let ANYONE forget it.  Gecko and her 2 little copies torment my sweet Dali.  They bully other children into ostracizing Dali. Ive heard from other parents that this kid threatens other kids and tells them not to be friends with Dali….Gecko is in BAD NEED OF A SPANKING!!!! But of coarse….that’s CHILD ABUSE!  RIGHT????? I don’t know where these people are Comming from. In my day, if a kid was acting like that, or especially if they was mean to a special needs child….well….you got YOUR ASS BEAT!!!! we KNEW better. Now its perfectly ok if a kid turns over another kids wheelchair in school.  We will blame processed food….WHAT??? little Tommy beat up a Downs child??? OMG! Give little Tommy a hug and SUE BURGER KING!!!! Get a grip folks and go see if grandma still has that old paddle.

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Ok…so here is the problem…Jane & John Citizen with a wall full of gold parenting stars…always on the TV …glowing and talking about embracing your special kid, celebrate diversity …..blah, blah and blah….THEIR Aspie kid screams in beautiful melodies and shits rainbows too I bet.  Oh ..and they n-e-v-e-r loose control ….oh noooo!  Yeah well FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!! Whew! THAT felt better! These people look like cardboard cut outs with giant teeth and REALLY make you feel like a dirt bag if you occasionally resent being parent to an autistic child.  I mean….HELL..where would I be with out ALL THAT SELF LOATHING???  Here is my point…Its not supposed to be this hard.  We go into this parenting thing with…well ..something like The Walton’s or Brady Bunch in mind….and end up with something more like Monday night smack down.  OH YES….I JUST LOOOOOVE BEING MOM TO A SCREAMING,SPINNING,SPITTING,KICKING 130 POUND INFANT!!! gee sign me up for 9 more just like him!!! Hell no I DON’T ENJOY THIS! Ok before we go dialing Nancy Grace…ask yourself this; do you actually enjoy the Autism part? No fluffy bull crap about love…and it being them….look a better question….if there was a cure,  wouldn’t you do anything to get it? Ok so point made. I love Loud very dearly. I will do anything to help Loud. Some days I don’t want to be his mom….does that mean I will Roast in hell? I doubt it…and u know what? I really want that cure. 

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Bad Momma Goose! BAD!!!!

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Today I called an autistic kid an Asshole….BAD Momma Goose Bad!!! Ok so yes I do this a lot.  I watched this whole Temple Grandin thing last night and was super inspired ….today was a new day….and Im gonna lick this thing….Im gonna be super momma and cure my kid….This is why youtube @ 4am is not a great idea….brain in stupid mode …&   Loud is asleep.  So this delusion of grandeur lasted until the second meltdown today….and I did what all super duper mommies do…..I bribed Loud with candy and called him an asshole as he happily chomped away smacking his lips, eyes glazed over and (seriously?) drooling.   Im beating myself up (not really…but it seems like the thing to say) Mrs. Brady…eat your heart out….because here in the real world….the line between asshole and aspergers sometimes is blurry.  And Mr. & Mrs. Concerned Citizen …..Loud thinks too literal to associate that name with himself….so no feelings were injured.

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Autism Speaks?

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Who thought of that slogan?  Autism does NOT SPEAK….It screams! For hours on end! Today I was trying to explain the thing about using a blue porch light for Autism awareness to Boom.  Boom raised a very valid point….our neighbors do not need a visual aid to be aware we are affected by Autism. They have several hours of auditory reminders every day.

Posted from the Lunatic Fringe