I wish there was A way to unlearn all the things I’ve been taught.  Those formative years being taught guilt with a systematic focus on that bondage.  I wonder, if I had been a Better parent…would autisim rule our lives? I can picture me in an apron…serving up hokey hollistic foods,  being a stay at home mom.  Would that have changed things? I don’t believe so. In fact, I think embracing my child’s diagnosis has created a welcome mat for the devil inside to come out. I mean…we intensified our efforts to seek help…and he becomes much worse.  We began to cater to a diagnosis and all the things “he can’t help” only to be drown in a sea of more problamatic behaviors.  I swear..if he were to read or hear that some autistic kids defecate on the floor…he would do just that.  Have we spoon fed this kid a persona that he now feels obligated to live up to? I know this much, I’m going to go insane with depression.  I hope that this is not my life forever.  I privately fantasize about life with him away in a group home…but I couldn’t throw my kid away. I hate myself for wanting a break from him….*depression: rinse & repeat*…I just wish that I wasn’t missing out on the childhood of my other kids.  Sometimes I just wish Autism was somebody else’s problem…I wish I had not spoiled him rotten.  G-d be merciful ……let this puzzle be solved