The best gift I can give anyone here is a break from the guilt. This is a new rendition of an older blog post I wrote. Please be polite in your comments, not only to me but to anyone who posts comments. Remember,  none of us are perfect. 

FEELING GUILTY & RESENTING YOUR SPECIAL NEEDS CHILD.

We tend to operate in a way that is socially acceptable. Who the hell wrote these rules?  When your a parent, feeling guilty is par for the coarse.  When your child has special needs, beating yourself up becomes religious.  I’ve read other parents blogs and posts…the things unsaid are in all bold caps….right between the lines. We all have guilt, we are all scared, and there is things we are dying to ask each other or to talk about…BUT they are so taboo…we wouldn’t dare. We instead feel like we are lower than dirt, a bad parent.  So Im declaring this GUILT FREE ZONE! Im going to confess all my “bad” my shameful thoughts…and the feelings that drive my chronic depression and frequent self loathing.  I hope to exercise my demons…and let you all know…your not alone…AND these reactions ARE NORMAL.

1. Sometimes I resent my special needs kids.  This does not mean I don’t love them, Id die for or kill for them…no doubt. I do grieve for the child I was “supposed to have”.  This IS normal.  Heck sometimes in the heat of the moment, I LOATH being their mom…again NORMAL

2.  I get jealous of other parents with “normal” kids and find any reason to dislike them, sometimes. 3. Im lonely a lot. I get desperate sometimes, and over excited when getting a shot to be social…so I ignore social cues…and tend to “OVER SHARE” I then self hate and waller in embarassment over my own “bad behavior”.

4. I’ve had embarrassing and public meltdowns myself. Let’s face it, over tired, over stressed..and one incident away from a nervous breakdown..it happens.

5. I use sarcasm on purpose because my autistic kids reaction is funny.

6.I let my kid melt down, and Ive provoked it so I could leave an unpleasant wait or place.

7. I blamed my child’s autism to get him out of trouble..when I knew good & well he was just being a brat.

8. Me & my spouse both cheated on each other before, because we missed the intimacy. 

9. I didnt turn in an IEP plan to the school from our autisim specialist that would have made my child’s life easier at school.  I did it because when he’s grown, no one will hand him an easy life, and I can’t accept he is unable to write. I let him fail. More self loathing.

10. I find it hard to NOT hit my child when he is physically hurting me or my other kids. (I haven’t ever abused him ) I see how easy it could be to cross that line. My husband And I keep each other in check.  *Now this  is one that many of us has been to.  Its important I make a point. I was terrified to tell ANYONE outside my home, or even admit to myself that I had been to the point, been driven to a rage over a situation I could not control…that yes..I believe I could have abused my own child.  I finally built the courage to tell my child’s doctor..that I was overwhelmed , and that sometimes I was afraid of being abusive. I was terrified that I was going to jail and my kids to a home just for admitting that I felt like I was capable. But I needed help because…I would die if I EVER hurt my own kid. The doctor said “ITS NORMAL” adjusted my kids Meds and gave me resources and info to care for my own mental health.  ***here is the point…its OK TO GET HELP FOR YOUR OWN MENTAL HEALTH. GET HELP BEFORE YOU ABUSE YOUR KID….Praise G-D he gave me strength & courage to ask for help. 

Many of the taboo issues, those things you just wish you could reach out and ask about, the feelings you think you can’t talk about…take a lesson from our autistic kids….when they said or did something inappropriate or socially taboo….did those awful looks or nasty comments they got really affect them? Why hell no! Screw what others think and make this your autistic reasoning our mantra…

GUILT IS AN UNNATURAL AND LEARNED EMOTION…IT IS USELESS. (Just mind you keep empathy & a moral compass)

Posted from the Lunatic Fringe

Posted from the Lunatic Fringe