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making friends with aspergers

my kids have progressed well this school year so far. We are already on the superintendent watch list for unapproved absences, and had ISS. On a dang roll we are. My son has entered middle school. This school has services and programs the elementry school did not have. He now has a social skills class. I do wonder sometimes if its more of an hour break for his teachers? Well thats beside the point. His social skills come to a screeching halt this year. His friends he had since grade 1 are scattered about in differnet classes, and new friends are hard to find. When your autistic, you can double the hard. Now he has these boys in his social skills class to be his friends. It feels a little orchistrated at best. But I can tell you this, one friend from elementry school was assigned to the group also. Only one of these boy has parents who are…um…super involved. Ok lets be real. “fucking crazy parents reliving their idea of a perfect childhood through their kid” I wonder if these little souls only seem autistic because of the extreem over involvement in their life. Now this one boy is a new friend and his parents are just exausted and forever ready to get a break. So he comes to our house for playdates. Its ok with me, but I honestly don’t think these kids like eachother. I think they co exist maybe. I think this kid comes to visit because he likes the aspie friendly environment and the abundence of autistic luring toys. ipods, legos…ect ect ect. I never see them play together at all.

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I wish there was A way to unlearn all the things I’ve been taught.  Those formative years being taught guilt with a systematic focus on that bondage.  I wonder, if I had been a Better parent…would autisim rule our lives? I can picture me in an apron…serving up hokey hollistic foods,  being a stay at home mom.  Would that have changed things? I don’t believe so. In fact, I think embracing my child’s diagnosis has created a welcome mat for the devil inside to come out. I mean…we intensified our efforts to seek help…and he becomes much worse.  We began to cater to a diagnosis and all the things “he can’t help” only to be drown in a sea of more problamatic behaviors.  I swear..if he were to read or hear that some autistic kids defecate on the floor…he would do just that.  Have we spoon fed this kid a persona that he now feels obligated to live up to? I know this much, I’m going to go insane with depression.  I hope that this is not my life forever.  I privately fantasize about life with him away in a group home…but I couldn’t throw my kid away. I hate myself for wanting a break from him….*depression: rinse & repeat*…I just wish that I wasn’t missing out on the childhood of my other kids.  Sometimes I just wish Autism was somebody else’s problem…I wish I had not spoiled him rotten.  G-d be merciful ……let this puzzle be solved

The best gift I can give anyone here is a break from the guilt. This is a new rendition of an older blog post I wrote. Please be polite in your comments, not only to me but to anyone who posts comments. Remember,  none of us are perfect. 

FEELING GUILTY & RESENTING YOUR SPECIAL NEEDS CHILD.

We tend to operate in a way that is socially acceptable. Who the hell wrote these rules?  When your a parent, feeling guilty is par for the coarse.  When your child has special needs, beating yourself up becomes religious.  I’ve read other parents blogs and posts…the things unsaid are in all bold caps….right between the lines. We all have guilt, we are all scared, and there is things we are dying to ask each other or to talk about…BUT they are so taboo…we wouldn’t dare. We instead feel like we are lower than dirt, a bad parent.  So Im declaring this GUILT FREE ZONE! Im going to confess all my “bad” my shameful thoughts…and the feelings that drive my chronic depression and frequent self loathing.  I hope to exercise my demons…and let you all know…your not alone…AND these reactions ARE NORMAL.

1. Sometimes I resent my special needs kids.  This does not mean I don’t love them, Id die for or kill for them…no doubt. I do grieve for the child I was “supposed to have”.  This IS normal.  Heck sometimes in the heat of the moment, I LOATH being their mom…again NORMAL

2.  I get jealous of other parents with “normal” kids and find any reason to dislike them, sometimes. 3. Im lonely a lot. I get desperate sometimes, and over excited when getting a shot to be social…so I ignore social cues…and tend to “OVER SHARE” I then self hate and waller in embarassment over my own “bad behavior”.

4. I’ve had embarrassing and public meltdowns myself. Let’s face it, over tired, over stressed..and one incident away from a nervous breakdown..it happens.

5. I use sarcasm on purpose because my autistic kids reaction is funny.

6.I let my kid melt down, and Ive provoked it so I could leave an unpleasant wait or place.

7. I blamed my child’s autism to get him out of trouble..when I knew good & well he was just being a brat.

8. Me & my spouse both cheated on each other before, because we missed the intimacy. 

9. I didnt turn in an IEP plan to the school from our autisim specialist that would have made my child’s life easier at school.  I did it because when he’s grown, no one will hand him an easy life, and I can’t accept he is unable to write. I let him fail. More self loathing.

10. I find it hard to NOT hit my child when he is physically hurting me or my other kids. (I haven’t ever abused him ) I see how easy it could be to cross that line. My husband And I keep each other in check.  *Now this  is one that many of us has been to.  Its important I make a point. I was terrified to tell ANYONE outside my home, or even admit to myself that I had been to the point, been driven to a rage over a situation I could not control…that yes..I believe I could have abused my own child.  I finally built the courage to tell my child’s doctor..that I was overwhelmed , and that sometimes I was afraid of being abusive. I was terrified that I was going to jail and my kids to a home just for admitting that I felt like I was capable. But I needed help because…I would die if I EVER hurt my own kid. The doctor said “ITS NORMAL” adjusted my kids Meds and gave me resources and info to care for my own mental health.  ***here is the point…its OK TO GET HELP FOR YOUR OWN MENTAL HEALTH. GET HELP BEFORE YOU ABUSE YOUR KID….Praise G-D he gave me strength & courage to ask for help. 

Many of the taboo issues, those things you just wish you could reach out and ask about, the feelings you think you can’t talk about…take a lesson from our autistic kids….when they said or did something inappropriate or socially taboo….did those awful looks or nasty comments they got really affect them? Why hell no! Screw what others think and make this your autistic reasoning our mantra…

GUILT IS AN UNNATURAL AND LEARNED EMOTION…IT IS USELESS. (Just mind you keep empathy & a moral compass)

Posted from the Lunatic Fringe

Posted from the Lunatic Fringe

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Twas the week before Christmas
And all thru the house
Autism was screaming,
And destroying my house.

The stockings were hung,
By..ARE U KIDDING ME!
her hair
And being tied firmly to uh chair

The children were twisted and possesd I believe…
Oh why is he laughing…?
I need to go see….

When out on the lawn, there rose a clatter ….
Oh dear! AHHH What’s the matter?

I rushed to the window
And…DAMMIT SON!
What should appear??

An angry neighbor
And the prank of the year!
(Faaaaaaaaawkkkkkk)

My Bright Aspie child, planned it with care,
NO MORE CYOTE CARTOONS!
I MEAN IT! I SWEAR!

There stood my neighbor
Trying to be nice-BUT
I knew in a moment-this dude is PISSED!

He stood at my door
And called out some names!
(On that,  sir, they were ALL profane!)

Just that quick, it really got worse,
For on the roof, I heard the tap of 6 little feet…

Oh a hideous tide of giggles abound
And before the man could turn around…

MOTHER OF GOD!!!

My voice had rose to a hideous sqweek
“PLEASE DON’T SUE ME” I plead
As he continued to seeth…..

Thank God his wife had just appeared
To say “their just kids…let them be”

With a knowing smile and a wink…
She lead dude away,…
Im wondering and thinking now…
I should buy some pepper spray!
-EDD

Posted from the Lunatic Fringe

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Yes…how? How do yo get them to bathe, and more importantly…why wont they? Please somebody say they aren’t attached to their odor??? Seriously son…you smell like an ass factory in July! Take a FUCKING SHOWER! Here is a reality… Im not the only one…autistic kids..the majority…do not like to shower.  In my house, getting Loud to shower and brush his teeth requires a meltdown…me begging…ultimately ends up in a full restraints and him showering anyways.  It seems like the sensory issues would kick in as soon as he smelled like rotting ass….and bother him. But Loud don’t seem to mind stewing in his funk.  I can’t wait till summer….I will turn the hose on his stinky butt!

Posted from the Lunatic Fringe

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Ok granted not many read my blog…but if you read this PLEASE COMMENT! I just heard of a theater in Ohio that is holding “Autism night” to allow autistic kids and their families to see the new chipmunks movie! WHAT AN IDEA!!! so Im inspired.  Does your hometown have events or programs? What are your idea? Im ready to go pick a fight with our theater lol….I want this in Georgia!

Posted from the Lunatic Fringe

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Its that time of year again! Shopping,decorations and visitors! Oh and of coarse…turning the world upside down for your autistic child!  Its hard to remember how hard it is for our special kids.  Even if you wanted to go extreme ….avoid the changes, or if you dont celebrate..its still hard in them.  They are ready to spin, bite and scream in the blink of an eye.  Why?  Parental stress, changes to environment and extra commotion.   I have a friend who is Jewish….her autistic child freaks out this time of year too.  They notice the neighborhood lights, extra traffic and all.  Loud enjoys all the lights, and asks to go see them.  It still plays havoc on his nerves.  So we know why? But what to do?  Keep in mind Im a parent, not an expert.  (So my advice is actually practical..lol) low pressure environment is key.  The child’s room, a spare room- any space you can give up for a while.  It should be a holiday free zone.  If you can afford it, some kids really like the fluffy throw rugs.  Have them participate in traditions like tree decoration and cooking.  If you don’t stress, they won’t stress. 

Posted from the Lunatic Fringe

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Wow I tried really hard to blog every day. Guess my vision of being a famous blogger is not gonna happen lil.   Its been interesting to say the least. Being the caretaker now that my work hours are reduced.  Loud, who has been put to bed at 9 -9:30pm for years…apparently needs a 6 pm bedtime.  He actually enjoys the early bedtime, and is easy to work with in the morning. Dali’s bedtime was pushed up to 7pm.  Moody’s bedtime remains the same.  Well I’ve been letting Moody babysit Dali but not Loud.  She begged for the paying gig for over a year now, but state laws have age restrictions.  Now that she’s 12 she can lawfully babysit.  Good news…she’s the best sitter Dali’s ever had! Not intimidated by the seizures and a first aid whiz!  Bad news….Loud’s sitter was a relative.  A little tit for tat dispute and….no sitter….oh well…just grab up the yellow pages and look up sitters…under sub category for willing to babysit autistic child for regular Wage (ok ok ….its all I can afford!) ….and then I woke up from THAT dream and done what any sane patent would a done….I flipped the heck out!  OMG!! OMG OMG!!!! One of us is going to have to quit working! Well what happened is this; I offered Moody a raise and Boom  set our bedroom up like a apartment.  Loud camped out there, and largely ignored Moody and Dali.  They had strict instructions to leave him alone. Moody did it in fine style!  It helps alot to be in the south.  The neighbors on each side and in front of us,  offered to jump in and help Moody at a moments notice.  Two of the families have stay at home parents who are always home.  So Moody has a lot of support and I can be home in 25 min now that Im working closer to home.  Life is getting better!

Posted from the Lunatic Fringe

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Im 31 years old. What we used to call parenting….is now called child abuse.  My poor little Dali, finally reported that little bitch Gecko! (Hell yes Im gonna change this BRATs name to Gecko!) Poor Dali is in grade 3, and a tender 8 year old. Ok..she’s also a whining, tattle tale , annoying brat.  I really love her. The other side of her is a beautiful little angel who no matter how mean somebody is to her, loves them with every breath in her little body.  Before her seizures got under control, she had partial seizures that caused her to wander off, bark (yes I said BARK) and piss her pants….and these little fuckers have NEVER let ANYONE forget it.  Gecko and her 2 little copies torment my sweet Dali.  They bully other children into ostracizing Dali. Ive heard from other parents that this kid threatens other kids and tells them not to be friends with Dali….Gecko is in BAD NEED OF A SPANKING!!!! But of coarse….that’s CHILD ABUSE!  RIGHT????? I don’t know where these people are Comming from. In my day, if a kid was acting like that, or especially if they was mean to a special needs child….well….you got YOUR ASS BEAT!!!! we KNEW better. Now its perfectly ok if a kid turns over another kids wheelchair in school.  We will blame processed food….WHAT??? little Tommy beat up a Downs child??? OMG! Give little Tommy a hug and SUE BURGER KING!!!! Get a grip folks and go see if grandma still has that old paddle.

Posted from the Lunatic Fringe

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Ok…so here is the problem…Jane & John Citizen with a wall full of gold parenting stars…always on the TV …glowing and talking about embracing your special kid, celebrate diversity …..blah, blah and blah….THEIR Aspie kid screams in beautiful melodies and shits rainbows too I bet.  Oh ..and they n-e-v-e-r loose control ….oh noooo!  Yeah well FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!! Whew! THAT felt better! These people look like cardboard cut outs with giant teeth and REALLY make you feel like a dirt bag if you occasionally resent being parent to an autistic child.  I mean….HELL..where would I be with out ALL THAT SELF LOATHING???  Here is my point…Its not supposed to be this hard.  We go into this parenting thing with…well ..something like The Walton’s or Brady Bunch in mind….and end up with something more like Monday night smack down.  OH YES….I JUST LOOOOOVE BEING MOM TO A SCREAMING,SPINNING,SPITTING,KICKING 130 POUND INFANT!!! gee sign me up for 9 more just like him!!! Hell no I DON’T ENJOY THIS! Ok before we go dialing Nancy Grace…ask yourself this; do you actually enjoy the Autism part? No fluffy bull crap about love…and it being them….look a better question….if there was a cure,  wouldn’t you do anything to get it? Ok so point made. I love Loud very dearly. I will do anything to help Loud. Some days I don’t want to be his mom….does that mean I will Roast in hell? I doubt it…and u know what? I really want that cure. 

Posted from the Lunatic Fringe